Dying Thoughts
by PurpleYin
Summary: Series of Before I Sleep tags.rn4 out of 4 up. McKayWeir friendshipangstUST.
1. A Funny Kind of Bliss

Authors Note: This hasn't been beta-read so I apologize if it has grammar/spelling errors in or if the characters sound a bit off. Please let me know what you think of this, complaints, suggestions; any feedback would be helpful as long as it is constructive.

Spoilers: For Season One "Before I Sleep" and minor spoilers for previous episodes of "The Eye", "Hotzone" and "the Defiant One" . This is a tag for the episode, that accompanies another tag fic called "Sacrifice" for the same episode. Doesn't really matter what order you read them in though this one comes first chronologically.

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Stargate in any incarnations of course and I'm not making any money, this is just some harmless fanfic fun.

* * *

"I died!" 

His own words rung in his mind.  
He felt as shocked now still as when he'd heard it from her lips.  
But he was foolish to linger on that thought, he wasn't the only one who had died.  
Everyone had, even her.

There had been a dreadful silence after Elizabeth had turned off the whine of the heart monitor.  
Maybe it was because they'd given up on her, knowing there was nothing else to do but except her sacrifice, the sacrifice every one of their counterparts had made for them living here.

At the time he'd been told of his death he'd reached out for the chair nearby, as what the Older Elizabeth said hit him totally.  
It blew him away but it occurred to him that it worked though didn't it. His life given had saved Elizabeth.

He knew what he must have been thinking - he'd wanted her to live - and it had saved more than just her, he'd saved himself too somehow.  
It was the same thing he had he been thinking, or not thinking on simply acting on, when he'd jumped in front of the gun more recently.  
But it would have been worth it, like it had been in his other time line.

And at least he'd have been happy when he died. Carson had told him earlier that drowning was thought to cause an ecstatic feeling in the victim before you succumbed to unconsciousness and then death.

The other him had never known that she'd survived, never known if his life had been used in vain. It was good to know it hadn't, that it had saved her and them all by that.  
One life spent to gain another, only he wasn't necessarily thinking of his own.

All of the original expedition had died, even Elizabeth, but here they all were with the exception of those unfortunate to survive but not survive long after that. Like Sumner, Brendan and the others he thought, guilt returning at their memories. But sometime was better than nothing.

It was odd to wait in the briefing room for her, for the mission they'd go on that might well allow them home  
Funny because he'd be helping send her home, to Simon.

She'd only mentioned him after that time the fog aliens had created made up realities, where he'd presumed she'd visited him. Talking about him guiltily, someone she'd forgot to mention previously but had been reminded of.

It was a weird feeling to want to do that, to be sending her into the arms of that distant man of hers, only from what he'd heard she loved Simon, and he only wanted her to be happy ultimately and if that didn't include him...

Oh sure he could make her smile as much as he wanted but that didn't mean anything beyond her feelings of friendship.  
There was this underlying guilt that he felt more than that and he resolved to be the best friend he could, the closest he could get, being supportive, reassuring, someone there for when Simon was not. Like these past months had been.

But going home that would change, however brief there visit might be.  
She'd go home to Simon and who knows what might happen then.

And he'd go home to his cat. If Janice his neighbour, and cat sitter, could be persuaded to give his cat Snickers back after so long. She'd probably complain he didn't deserve a nice cat after abandoning him for so long. He could picture the scene, everyone with bright shiny smiles going home to family and him left alone in a dank apartment with dead plants and zero messages.

The only thing he was bothered about was the fact she'd left Simon.  
If she really loved him then she wouldn't have come, a chance of a lifetime didn't outweigh the love of your life. At least he knew he'd never have left her if it had been him, if she felt anything for him.  
Could she really leave a man she loved for this? He knew she valued her career and it was an amazing contribution to humankind but she wasn't a heartless woman. He knew her well and it didn't seem right for her to do that if she really did...

But who was he kidding, he'd only known her for less than a year and he was biased, he wanted that hope to cling to. As if the thought could keep him going, keep his spirits high even when everything he did would bring her and Simon closer to reunion.

It was sad, pathetic to think like that. He wanted to be normal about it, he wanted to want to go back to Earth. All he could do was remind himself what it meant to everyone else, what he'd be returning to that made it worth it even if he didn't really think any of it was worth losing her. He could force himself to pretend though, just think of all the good things, the things everyone missed about home.

For a while he was lost in thoughts of all the wonderful foods he'd been craving with supplies exhausted, until a part of the conversation of the others caught his attention.  
"Think we should call Elizabeth in, she said she'd only be a minute or two."  
He straightened up, confidently accepting the task even though the question wasn't yet answered by anyone.  
"I'll go get her." he said, not waiting to see if they cared that he'd imposed himself on it.

He calmly strode out the door, breaking into a jog outside the room, eager to talk to her but not wanting anyone else in the briefing room to see that.

Things might be changing he thought wistfully but he'd take every moment he could get with her, relishing them secretly, knowing there may not be many more if this mission succeeded. Taking every second he could get with a strange happiness, it was funny kind of bliss, like that of a man drowning but it was all he had.


	2. Sacrifice

Authors Note: Now betaread by Iona, thank you. Please let me know what you think of this, complaints, suggestions; any feedback would be helpful as long as it is constructive.

Spoilers: For Season One "Before I Sleep". This is a tag for the episode.

There is a companion piece to this, also a tag for the episode, which is up here called "A Funny Kind of Bliss"with Rodney's PoV.

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Stargate in any incarnations of course and I'm not making any money, this is just some harmless fanfic fun.

* * *

"Actually, John, give me a minute, will you."  
"Sure," he had said as he'd left her alone on the balcony.

And she'd spent that time looking out to Atlantis and the depth of the blue waters surrounding it.  
Taking some pleasure at the simple beauty of nature, of being there.

Sooner than she'd thought the door opened behind her and she heard a few tentative footsteps before he said anything.  
"Elizabeth? John said you wanted a minute...and you've had a few. Are you okay?"  
She spied Rodney watching her, not pleased at having to disturb her, but waiting, concerned, for her answer.

"I'm just enjoying the breeze," was her calm reply, at which he visibly relaxed.  
"Yeah, it's a lovely day, nice out here, but we really should be starting the meeting..." He said as he made for the door impatiently at a slow pace, trying to draw her through with him.  
"Everyone is waiting in there." He motioned towards the conference room across the gate room.

The gate room where he'd drowned.  
Just not in this timeline.

"They can wait a few more minutes, I'm sure Teyla and John are having a pleasant conversation with Aiden. I wouldn't want to interrupt."  
"But the mission..." he said in an excitable manner.  
"Patience. We'll get to that, Rodney," she said, smiling back at his puppyish look of anticipation  
"Just take a moment to appreciate this."

"This?"  
His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to work out the implications of her simple word.  
"We got to Atlantis. We're very fortunate it was so easy...for us."  
His head dropped, watching the floor thoughtfully, musing on the reminder of what Elizabeth's older self had revealed.

Silently he sidled up closer to her, leaning on the balcony next to her, glancing uncertainly between the distant horizon and her face staring out to it.

She felt she ought to say it what she felt, even if he wouldn't believe her sentiment, so she said it, strongly wanting to convey to him how much it meant to her.

"You know that if it hadn't been for you, I, she, wouldn't have survived to save us all."  
Rodney seemed startled by the mention of what 'he'd' done, replying in a meek voice.  
"Well, it wasn't really me, and as Sheppard pointed out, ultimately, I failed."

He sounded dejected and she couldn't stand to hear him brush it off as nothing.  
"Don't belittle yourself, Rodney. You died saving others lives and you did die. That timeline did happen, just not to us."  
"I guess that's true."  
It was a sombre admittance.  
"She knew you'd do that, even back then when she didn't know you as well as I do."

He took a chance to look to her. "Am I that transparent?" he asked, but didn't sound so annoyed at the possibility.  
"Only to me, it seems, don't worry. But you've come even further since that day, even though you never did that in this time, I know you would have if it came down to it and you've done nearly as much several times already."  
"And here I managed to pull my plans off too. I haven't died yet!" he exclaimed cheerfully.

His face lit up in happiness and well-deserved pride but she found herself feeling sombre at the idea that he hadn't been able to save them in the original timeline, that he couldn't always come through, that it wasn't always possible for anyone to save them.

"I'm glad."  
It came out too serious for her liking, with Rodney clamming up suddenly.  
They stood there with only the sounds of the ocean for comfort.

She found herself thinking about the advice of her older, wiser self once more.  
'Trust yourself, Elizabeth. All that matters is right now.'

She knew she was right, she'd definitely had enough time to think about such things.They were at a point where something was about to change. They might even be able to go home soon, see their loved ones, escape from the constant threat of the Wraith possibly. If that threat didn't arrive first.

However, she found herself settled here, Atlantis as much her home as anywhere she had lived over her busy career and she had friends here, people she cared for. But the situation wouldn't be changing just yet, there was still time to live here and enjoy the peace, explore the city she had helped preserve. To do what they had come here for, as Janus had wanted to happen so dearly.

He would be elated if he could know they had made it the second time round, living in his beloved city. The happiness was crushed somewhat by the memory of those who had had to die the first time for all of this to be possible; as Rodney had done selflessly, ignoring the warning her other self had given him.

It occurred to her that there, in that other time, he had shone through, but his potential had been burnt out in the process. They were all lucky that wasn't so here, she thought, still slightly sick to her stomach at the fact that he had actually died for her.

"You excited about the mission?" she asked innocently, met by his steady reply.  
"Who wouldn't be excited at the possibility of being able to go home?"  
From the quickness of the response she could tell he hadn't given it any thought, for him there was no doubt to the matter.

The comment made her feel guilty, knowing that she didn't relish her reunion with Simon entirely. She wasn't sure what he'd say, whether he'd be angry or understanding. She almost hoped he wouldn't have waited for her, though she chastised herself for even thinking it, much less admitting it.

"You miss Earth." It was a statement, she could already tell it was true, it certainly was for 99 percent of the people on Atlantis.  
"Anyone in particular?" she asked, curious of what he might say and rather evilly envious that there might be a person he had left back there. Perhaps even hurt he'd never mentioned anyone, if he did say so.

"Snickers."

"Pardon?" she blurted out, puzzling what he meant. Then it hit her; his favourite chocolate bar! She should have known he'd think of himself, and his stomach. Though sometimes that was unfair, to be honest, he was hypoglycemic and needed regular snacks.

"My cat," he said as if it were the most obvious cat name in the world.

"Oh," a dawn of realisation and relief washed over her and she broke into laughter briefly at her silly mistake, followed by an awkward silence for thinking badly of her friend.

He shuffled his feet, squinting out at the sea, looking not quite brave enough to ask something.  
She had no idea what it would be.  
Funny how he'd have enough valour to die saving Atlantis and its team members and so little tact as to be obnoxious, but he couldn't bring himself to pose a simple question to her.

She smiled, pondering the mystery of Rodney McKay. She understood him best but only he really knew what went on inside that head and heart of his. She wished she knew what it was that bothered him so. She could only concede to making him feel a little better.

She leant over and he stiffened, about to withdraw, confused at the intrusion into his personal space, as if he thought he was in the way. Almost a look of panic of his face, but he let her move in further, as she placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

He flushed profusely, stuttering to say something but regaining a modicum of intelligence a moment later.  
"What was that for?" he asked in such a shy doubtful voice she'd never heard from him and looking nervous for the reply.

She smiled slightly, feeling foolish at not realising it would embarrass him so much.  
"For being you, Rodney," was her simple and truthful answer. She hoped he could tell what it meant, who he was in her eyes. One of the best men she had ever known despite his many shortcomings.

She peered over her shoulder as she strode off to the meeting, "Coming?" pausing at the entrance for him.  
He stood pensively leaning on the railings his eyes distant and more troubled than before."Sure, just give me a second"  
Whatever it was, she couldn't think of anything to say, so said nothing, leaving him on the balcony as the doors swooshed open in front of her.

A few moments later he ran to catch up with her, hand moving to the small of her back as he escorted her to the briefing room. Back to normal after their reprieve, he began his theorising about the outposts with the hungry enthusiasm for learning that was usual for him, as they walked inside side by side.


	3. Patience

Authors Note: This hasn't been beta-read so I apologize if it has grammar/spelling errors in or if the characters sound a bit off. Please let me know what you think of this, complaints, suggestions; any feedback would be helpful as long as it is constructive.

Spoilers: For Season One "Before I Sleep". This is a tag for the episode – the third of four in a quad of them. What can I say but that this is my favourite episode and tags for this accumulate (had five or six bunnies for it!) and it's not everyday you can get in 4 different PoV's for 2 characters. Anyway this one is from Old Weir's perspective and it's turned out about 4 times as long as I expected at the start!

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Stargate in any incarnations of course and I'm not making any money, this is just some harmless fanfic fun.

**

* * *

**

**Patience**

* * *

She heard his voice, the sharp but concerned tone cutting through her consciousness.  
"Yeah, that's what I was afraid of." She sensed motion above her head, the wafting making a slight breeze. "Freezer burn." he finished resolutely in that tone, the tone he used when he was sure of something and wasn't that practically all the time? She hated to undermine him but she'd waited such a long time for this and it was after all quite fun to put him in his place when he deserved it for being so presumptuous.

"I thought she wasn't frozen" she heard the young Lieutenant say, Aiden Ford she remembered, he was obviously confused.  
"Ten thousand years – d'you expect her to dance a bloody jig"  
Ah. There he was, Carson, his deep Scottish brogue identifying him.

She opened up her eyes, taking time to adjust herself - her sight less sharp than she remembered, her age showing through in her body. Everything felt different, foreign to her.

"It's the eyes, Carson, you look at the eyes. The lights are on but nobody's home." came Rodney's reply, further poking at Carson's profession "Doesn't take a medical professional to know that ... "  
Finally she focused and found her gaze on Rodney, a startled expression on his face that she was awake and looking at and listening to him.

"Of course she can see us."  
Their Elizabeth wasn't surprised by that one bit, smiling warmly at her.  
"And hear us. Hello. How are you feeling"  
She turned to see the window, Atlantis intact, everyone alive.  
"It worked."  
Drifting off to sleep happily; one thought that she'd succeeded.

* * *

After she'd awoken she'd merely smiled at Carson's surprise that she knew his name, knowing how crazy it would sound to him and finding a slightly wicked amusement at his confusion - bewildered was a good look for their dear doctor. She left the explanation for when the others arrived - once would be enough thank you very much.

She lay in the bed, a change from her stasis chamber that had been home for ten thousand years. She was home. Atlantis had become home and it was beyond words to be here in the right time, to find it had survived; that it's people, her people, had survived instead of succumbing to the chilly ocean waters of her time line.

Carson paced until her other self arrived, Rodney by her side.  
There was some discussion between the three before they moved over to her, Carson still panicked and Elizabeth and Rodney both intrigued by what Carson said.

Rodney moved away, letting Elizabeth come across to her and taking a place next to Carson.  
Her younger self gave her a gentle smile, touching her shoulder reassuringly.  
"How are you feeling"

She broke into a smile for one of the few times in so long, she felt elated to see them all.  
"Look at you"  
The other Elizabeth narrowed her eyes, trying to figure out what was going on. She could see the wheels turning in Elizabeth's mind, she was always on the ball.  
"I didn't think I'd see any of you again." she gasped, choked with emotion.  
Their Elizabeth gaped a little at that, the answers failing her, not there.

She found her gaze wonder over to the men behind her as she carried on, aware it made no sense to them.  
"Missed you all so terribly – even you, Rodney"  
And mentally she added, especially you, Rodney. But now wasn't the time or place for that.

His look to Carson quickly switched back to her and he looked to say something but finding no words he shifted uncomfortably, a small squirm. It was wonderful to see his nervous smile at her greeting, to see him at all, as they man he'd become. Here he was alive, not stolen from them all as her Rodney's fate had been.

"You see" bantered Carson, glad he wasn't imagining it no doubt.  
"I'm sorry? Do we know you" asked Elizabeth, worry lacing her voice.

Such a funny feeling to see her face as if a reflection in the mirror, not that she'd look anything like that anymore, the years having taken from her - her very life. She reminded herself it was a trade, she sacrificed her life for theirs, her future meaningless apart from in this context.

"Oh yes. I'm you, Elizabeth."

But she knew that it would take far more than that to convince them. Elizabeth would accept it, as would Carson, once medical evidence was there, which would prove the fact. However, Rodney in particular would need far more proof and they'd all want to know what had happened, dragging up the painful memories of what she'd wished had never happened.

* * *

She stirred from her sleep to hear his voice. Her brain picked up a few of the words, technobabble, his excitement growing as he continued to speak.

"... simply put, this interpretation ... universe is in... infinite... copies... every possible... decision ever made all... in this infinitely layered multi-universe."

"Simply put" her other self said in response to his long ramble.  
"Yeah – in a nutshell." she could hear him say, voice still teetering on the edge of being thrilled at it all despite its weirdness. The sheer glee was a joy to hear compared to... to anything she remembered of that final day together.

She breathed out trying to call her name"'Liz'beth"  
"There's so much to tell you. The note ... I had a note."  
"Yes." Elizabeth said succinctly, a summing up that was unnecessarily elaborated on by Rodney as he stepped froward, one arm restrained behind his back and the other used to illustrate what he said.  
"Yes, yes, yes, yes. We got your note and-and, forgive my bluntness, but we really need to know everything about your encounter with the Ancients, um, beginning with the point when you went back in time; specifically, how you went back in time, because that would be very useful for us ..."

She tried to breathe steadily, overwhelmed at his sudden outburst at her; he was so alive as he spoke with fervor to her, it almost brought tears to her eyes.  
Elizabeth seemed to sense this, putting her hand up as if to rest on his arm but merely brushing by, not touching but just near him. Out of reach.

Firmly but softly Elizabeth stated"Rodney – let me talk."  
He answered "Yeah." and backed away a small amount, barely resisting his urge to nearly interrogate her with his inquiries into the unsolved mysteries.

It was such a difference to see him standing there dying to ask her all sorts of questions.  
Such a contrast to the last words and moments she had with him.  
She'd insisted he not linger too long there in the control room, that he didn't risk his life, because she'd been afraid of what he'd do, that he might sacrifice himself to the greater good.

She'd seen a potential in him, that had peaked, sadly burnt out there. His last moments used to save who he could, which as it had turned out had been only her.

She'd had a soft spot for him, one she saw more evidently in this other her, as she had hushed him - no question at her command, his eyes still sparkling, eager to know more but his passion tamed.

She started on her tale.  
"There was an accident. I remember we arrived through the Stargate..."  
This wasn't the first time she'd gone over these events, she'd replayed the scenes so many times the details were etched into her memory.

"The lights came on by themselves sensing our presence. The city slowly awoke."  
It had been wonderful, thrilling to find the city, intact and responsive to her team but then it had quickly deteriorated.

Even in face of what they'd found Rodney had still been so eager, ready to do his job with pleasure and solve the problems, but as she told them of how they had found the control room she was interrupted by this Rodney.  
"Wait a minute, back up a second. That isn't the way it happened. Everything came online when we arrived. It was, err, lights, computers, power control systems, everything. I was able to access the database immediately."

At what he said she wondered just what else had differed here, marveling at how easy these people had had it compared to her expedition, how fortunate they were.  
"That's not what happened – not the first time." she said with melancholy.  
And then she'd not been able to stop herself from falling into slumber, desperate to explain but her body betraying her.

* * *

She watched the doctor as he took her blood pressure, a small grim smile passed his lips as he removed the cuff.  
"It's OK, Carson. I'm just as freaked out about all this as you are."  
And wasn't that true she thought as she saw herself walk in, wheeling a wheelchair.  
"How's our patient doing" Elizabeth asked, a fake bravado there.  
"Pressure's improving – and as you can tell she's much more alert." answered Carson.  
They didn't say any more, didn't have to, she knew she was dying but no one wanted to talk about that.  
"Are you up for getting out of here" Elizabeth inquired cheerfully. 

She only nodded, words not needed, strangely but as could be expected this Elizabeth knew exactly how she was feeling. Their thoughts so similar, only differing in their experiences. It was how she knew all manner of things, she recognized them from herself, the little things meaning the most - but not caught, left unnoticed just as what was not said.

She was lost for words as she was pushed through the city - thriving with members of the expedition walking by her, getting on with work as if it was normal, the way the city was - just the way she had hoped when she'd stepped through the Stargate.

The gate room had been brightly lit by sunlight of the day as they carried on to the briefing room she'd never gotten to see first time round.

Sat down in her wheelchair she saw them gathered and she gushed at them all. It was more than she could ever have asked for.  
"Seeing the city like this, sitting on the surface of the ocean – you can't imagine how relieved I am."

"What are you saying? The city didn't rise the first time round"  
She should have known he'd catch on, that he'd be the one to realise what her words didn't admit yet.  
Her voice trembled a little but she carried on, knowing that they needed to hear it.  
"No. No. The city was in serious trouble the very moment we arrived."

She begun to explain what she had started in the infirmary, getting to the point of Rodney's question. There was so little time left to tell them; so little time just like back there and then.

In the beginning it had seemed like a dream come true, the city beautiful, ready and waiting for them.

Seeing it underwater made it all the more astounding, with some horror about what that meant - watching the air escape from a pier area with the collapsing shield. But they hadn't realised how serious it had been until they gotten back to Rodney. She'd heard his voice over the radio, a clear and unexaggerated panic as he'd demanded she come see what he'd discovered.

Rapidly. That was how he'd put it, but they'd thought they'd have time. He'd thought they'd have time - to fly out, to gate out. How wrong they'd been about that.

"Colonel Sumner drowned" exclaimed Elizabeth.  
She'd wondered why Sumner wasn't here but it seemed to make sense that he wouldn't have drowned - question was what had happened, yet she didn't have time to seek answers from them.

"And he wasn't the only one to perish." she replied solemnly, eyes inadvertently moving up to Rodney for a few seconds, his death weighing heavily on her heart even now after several millenia.

She went over what she'd said.  
'If these ships turn out to be our only way out of here, I don't want you waiting too long to get up to the bay.'  
She should have known when he didn't answer. A sign that he'd do everything he could.  
She'd called his name and all he'd said was 'Yes, yes, yes! I heard. Go.'

Retrospectively she could see he'd never intended to bail out, that maybe he'd thought he'd make it there but he hadn't held out hope - he'd concentrated on one thing, saving them, forsaking himself in the process - perhaps never giving any fears time to arise.

Then she'd hurried off to her salvation, the ship bay. That had been the last time she'd ever seen her Rodney McKay. Just a few words over the radio after that.  
Not even addressed to her but she remembered the hope in his voice as he'd told John about his second to last discovery.

"Major Sheppard – I've located a roof hatch in the Gate ship bay. I'll try to get it open."  
She'd closed her eyes for a split second, glad for small graces and that had been when they'd all heard the noise. The awful solid clunk nearby, mirrored all through out the city most likely, everywhere shut down.

'What was that?' she'd asked, her own panic rising as she heard the alarms sounding over the radio as he replied tersely.  
"Bulkhead doors leading out of the Control Room have all slammed shut. We're locked in"

And still there had been a possibility that they'd make it out of there, at Rodney's shout of 'I'm trying!'. That the few of them left would survive.  
Things had seemed difficult but manageable until he'd called in again.  
'Forget it! The Gate room's flooding.'

Still she wanted to believe it could be ok, demanding him to get them open, ordering him practically to get up there. She'd used the words 'We're waiting for you!', and they would have but he'd never tried to get out of there. For once that day he'd used her first name, as he told her he'd keep trying to help them.

Trying to, that important phrase. Trying to help them, trying to save them but not trying to save himself.

He'd simply accepted it and moved to something he found worthwhile, rather than his life. No time to argue he'd said. Told them to go without him, only trying to be brave, to stave off the tremble in his voice as it broke every few words of his goodbye. He'd never actually said 'goodbye', she'd heard nothing more.

She'd couldn't bring herself to bid him farewell. For one it wasn't fair or well, wasn't how it should have been and she'd been waiting, for him to say he'd found the solution, to make everything right. That communication had never come. Only a static across the channel as the radio's on the two men in the gate room went out, blips of sound as their bodies submerged in the icy water and their lives disappeared.

"Despite your efforts, there was nothing you could do, Rodney. Within seconds the control room was flooded."  
She hoped her pride came through as she said it, but only shock registered on his face as he leant back on the desk slightly further, letting it take his weight.

"I died" he half exclaimed, half asked incredulously.  
"You never gave up trying, right until the end."  
Died trying. Died. It rang around her mind and she sought to push it to where it belonged, an event long gone. With this, their, Rodney staring at her right now, disbelieving.

"Well, a man wonders how he would choose to go out, given such dire circumstances. Now I know."

He didn't seem surprised exactly to here how he'd died when she related it to them all, only surprised that he had died, that he had not saved them all. Shining through as she'd wanted to see back then, her hopes shattered as she'd known he was dying. That his lungs would be crying out for air, his brilliant mind deprived of oxygen. That the man she knew, that she had picked for the mission and who she was ultimately responsible for, had been alone and terrified. Just like all the others who were trapped - nothing left but to breathe in the water and succumb to their fate.

She wondered what had gone on in this time line to make it odd he'd failed, had such things happened to mark his true colours, his selfless heroism, but that he had always survived?  
It was likely she would never know, so many things she wouldn't find out, the secrets of Atlantis just one of those.

"Trying to save the lives of others."  
An honourable way to go by any man's standards.

"But ultimately failing" piped John rather smugly.  
The usual Rodney emerged out from his shock, defending his honour "I'm sure if I had a few more seconds, I ..."

But something dawned on Elizabeth, causing her to cut in.  
"Wait a second. Why didn't the failsafe mechanism engage and raise the city to the surface"

Perhaps the most important question, the single most important thing Janus had done for them.  
"Because there was no failsafe the first time. Atlantis remained on the ocean floor. The shield completely collapsed. Water came crashing in, flooding every room in the city."

Yet more death to the story, she looked over to Carson and Aiden.  
"You both drowned while attempting to get our people into ships.  
Then focusing on John for the first time in the meeting.  
"And we, along with Doctor Zelenka, we found ourselves trapped."

Everything came flashing back to her, the rest of what had happened jumbled up.  
The crisis only seemed to worsen, going from bad to a nightmare to hellish.

It had been overwhelming at the time as it happened and now as an old woman, far too fragile for her liking, it was all too much. The vivid pictures in her mind's eyes were accompanied by the emotions she'd felt.

She clutched at her chest feebly as she tried to continue "We were under attack. We didn't know where we were or who was shooting at us. And that's when John ... "  
The sentence was left unfinished, as she panicked and her eyes fluttered, body rebelling against the torrent of emotions and unconsciousness claimed her.

* * *

It was getting to be a habit that she woke to his voice.  
" ... Yeah. The question is, where's the time machine now, hmm?" he said edge of impatience there, a curiosity for the answer. 

She glanced to her younger self as she spoke to her, "Why don't we ask her?". The woman moving closer, taking her place by the bed.  
"What happened?"  
What else would they want to know after all – a thrilling tale, left on such a cliffhanger.  
"Can you tell us: the ship that you escaped in – where is it now?" asked Elizabeth.  
"It's gone." she answered sadly and explaining what had happened in the battle and where she had woken up.

Atlantis ten thousand years ago.  
She'd survived it's crash from the wraith attack.  
And her alone, as Janus had told her with regret.

"Ha! Ah, the bitter taste of ultimate failure, hmm?"  
It was Rodney's turn to look smug, teasing the Major.  
"Well, if you'd just figured out how to fix the damn shield in the first place, none of us would have died." retorted John, not so pleased at how happy Rodney was to hear this fact.

She smiled fondly at the sight of the them bickering, they were friends here, unexpected but nice to see never the less.  
Their Elizabeth rolled her eyes as Rodney bantered back "I did everything I could, including valiantly attempting to save your sorry ..."

"Gentlemen. Focus." shot Elizabeth before returning her attention to her, "Please, continue."  
"Needless to say, I was very confused. He explained to me that the ship we had escaped in was a time machine. He was the one who built it. After I was feeling better, he brought me before the Atlantean Council."

The city had astounded her then just as it had now, seeing it alive, in it's glory. The chance to meet the Ancients had been a dream come true, something making up the recent nightmare she'd been through, but all had not been well at their Atlantis either.

"They told me of beings called Wraiths – a vicious, formidable enemy whose power and technology rivalled their own."  
Beings she had never seen thankfully.

She looked up as Rodney tried to interject.  
"Yes – actually , we've already, umm ..."  
He trailed off as Elizabeth shot him a stern look to shut him up and she continued on.

"The Atlanteans sent a delegation protected by their most powerful warships in the faint hope of negotiating a truce. One on one, the Atlantean ships were more powerful, but the Wraith were so many. After that great battle, it was only a matter of time."

That hadn't been why she was here though.  
The Ancients had been as accommodating as they could be, a kind offer that she could at least return to Earth but it hadn't been what he'd hoped for nor what she could sit back and accept, to condemn her people to a death in the future.

Janus's excitement had given her that hope but the council had broken it, their insistence that there be no more tampering with time; that they might already have changed it irrevocably.

It was a second chance and it slipped right through her fingers because of their unyielding position on the matter. The time ship had been destroyed, her way home vanished with that order.

Not that anything could stop Janus when he put his mind to it she recalled with some affection as she drifted off to sleep yet again.

* * *

They huddled together around Carson, his expression grim. Only now were they seeing what she knew would come. She was dying, it was inevitable; it was the price of the plan. Her sacrifice, her gift to them. Life where there had been none. A future for them all. 

"Please. I don't know how much time I have left to tell the story I have waited so long to tell."  
And everyone's attention was on her, troubled by the knowledge that she would soon be dead.

She wasn't their Elizabeth but it didn't sit well with any of them, it was strangely comforting to know she would get to say goodbye to them all as she had never been able to before.

"Oh ... the Council. They were very upset."  
" Yes – you said they decided to destroy the time machine."  
The repetition kept happening, forgetfulness in her old age but Elizabeth was ever patient with her.

"I tried to talk them out of it. I didn't give up hope. Thankfully, I had an ally."  
He had been insistent that they help her even in the face of their own crisis. He understood what it meant for them, for Atlantis. She'd been lucky that he was so persistent.

The Council's decision was final.  
But Janus's will had been too.

"Of course, Janus refused to concede defeat. The more someone told him not to do something, the more he had to do it. So he came up with an alternate plan behind the Council's back. It was all I could do to try to keep pace with him."

She chuckled at that. Who did he remind her of? That glint in his eye at his ingenious idea.  
He explained it all very calmly rather than mile a minute but the same tone crept into his voice as he prepared it all. A universal scientific peaking of delight at the cleverness of said solution, that she'd heard the military boys in Antarctica term 'geekgasm'.

How very appropriate that was. It seemed like nothing could make Janus happier as he set in motion the plan to preserve the city for future generations.

"I didn't believe my eyes. Three ZeePMs right in front of me."  
Then came the snag in the plan. What ended up as her part in the plan later on.

They'd been called up to the control room just then, the situation heightened.  
"Their transport ship was inbound. It was taking heavy fire."

The last moments of the three hundred people in the Atlantean transport ship haunted her. Their screams had rung out until the communication ended abruptly, so much like what she had heard when the gate room had flooded completely. Maybe that was why it stood out so clearly, an unfortunate mirroring of the tragedy she had yet to process fully.

The evacuation had been ordered and Janus had lied to them, saying she'd gone through to Earth.  
She'd hardly believed that the Ancients themselves had given up, retreating because they were outnumbered. For all their technology and wisdom they were helpless.

* * *

She'd lost count how many times she'd fallen asleep today but she hadn't previously woken to find herself alone with him.  
He watched her, his expression unreadable apart from his anxiousness. 

She reached up to rub her bleary eyes and he jumped back, startled by her movement.  
He was watching over her - John asleep in a nearby chair and Elizabeth obviously with Carson in another room, having not strayed too far from her the whole time.

She was happy to seem him alive and well, the possibility to do what they'd all come to do, explore Atlantis.  
They all owed it to her they thought but that wasn't the only truth, if not for Rodney and Grodin's effort in the gate room, and Sheppard and Zelenka's efforts in the jumper she wouldn't have survived to prevent the disaster.

Their sacrifices, hers and his among with the others had saved their other selves, they'd given them lives to live. She wanted to make sure they appreciated that, that they took advantage of the time they would have because of that.

Because you never knew when it might end, when everyone and everything you knew and loved would be ripped from you.

That she was stopping it from happening again had kept her sane. A hope for them all even when her future was forsaken. It gave her meaning – everything for a reason. They'd died first time around but now they lived, as if that was the only way things had ever happened until she had told them otherwise.

It'd happened in her head so many different ways. The stasis had been dreamless as promised but not a blissful or empty sleep.

She'd been alone all that time – only her thoughts for company and comfort.  
At first she'd imagined life she might have if never come here.  
Just another human back on Earth, living out her life with Simon.

But then her thoughts had changed to what might have been if all gone well.  
To what could have been here on Atlantis.

Only her place was on Atlantis, that was why she'd taken the mission. Her justification for leaving Simon behind being that it was too good an opportunity to miss, a unique endeavour for the benefit of humankind, but the truth was she'd wanted so desperately to come here.  
Somehow she couldn't be satisfied with anything else.

And as she day-dreamt in her almost slumber her thoughts had been overtaken by the what if's and maybe's.  
She'd analysed every moment wondering if they could have saved themselves but she'd soon seen they'd been doomed from the very start.

Eventually she saw a pattern to her fantasies of what could have been, her life in this amazing city. They gravitated to Rodney, always to him, and by now it was clear that the affection she'd felt from the beginning was more than friendship. She'd wondered what she could have meant to him if... if things hadn't ended so abruptly. If they'd become closer, if they'd had the chance to get to know each other and to see what had always been there to some extent.

There was never any time for them, for any of them, but she had had all the time in the world to think about what could have been, what she had never known all those years ago.

His death and several thousand years had made things easy to see but they didn't have that blessing or curse here. They needed help or else they would never admit to what was there.

He looked like he was about to go get someone but she put a hand out to him, stopping him. At that he seemed surprised, uncomfortable to be alone with her and the subject of her attention.  
After a few seconds she saw something in his eyes, that glint of an idea there.

She could tell he wanted to take the chance to ask about the note and preempted him, his mouth caught partially open as she spoke up.

"All things in good time, Rodney, I'm not dead yet."

He swallowed, not looking too happy at what she had said. She couldn't change her fate as she had theirs. She would die but she'd die having fulfilled her purpose.  
"All good things take time. Respect, friendship; love too"

His eyes narrowed, a realisation at her cryptic message.  
"You're not talking about the note are you"

She smiled at him and shook her head.  
"No, no I'm not talking about the note Rodney."

She watched him fumble for what to say to that, a small secret smile of hers for him on her lips.  
"Then,.. then what" asked Rodney, getting confused. He seemed slightly panicked and exasperated as well. He always had wanted to have all the answers.

"You know" she nodded to him wearily, "Deep down you know even if you deny it."  
She looked away, for a moment wistful, "I wondered why we did that, or if we'd do that here."  
As she looked at him he never said otherwise. Somethings didn't change she thought sadly.  
Denial was convenient, a protection.

"Ten thousand years in my mind, nothing to do but think and I still couldn't figure you out. Best I got was fear, that you'd been hurt too many times before."  
He turned away from her, an action she could only take as confirmation she was right.

"You're waiting for her, aren't you"  
It was barely a question because she already knew the answer.  
"You don't want to take a chance." she said quietly.  
Incase he was hurt again.  
Guarding one's heart from the risk, but not from the pain that already existed.  
Just that one was tolerable, constant, and the other was something you had to face, bring upon yourself.

He took his time to gather himself but he was soon back again as Rodney McKay. The man she had met so long ago in Antarctica, defiant in face of everything.  
"I don't know what you're talking about."

She laughed at that, causing her to lapse into painful coughing.  
Fear flashed on his face before he came to his senses and helped her sit up, handing her some water. It wasn't going to fix the problem but she was grateful.  
She sipped the water, unable to drink much of it

"It's me, Rodney. I may not know you like she does but I can still read you like a book."

She held out the glass, her hands clasping over his as he went to take the glass out of her shaking hands. His face was solemn, eyes showing confusion as she stopped him from retreating.  
"Just wait. She'll realise. I did."

He grimaced at her simple words, looking down to the floor as he concentrated on removing the glass and putting it safely on the bedside table.

She leant back, sinking into pillows.  
He finally had the courage to look up at her, smiling lopsidedly as he snarked back, not quite so quickly for him, "Yeah, in ten thousand years."

She smiled sympathetically, wishing things would end well, wanting the future to be better here. However, she knew she wouldn't see if it was. She felt her time growing short, each passing second her body strained to carry on. Humans were never meant to last this long.

"Wait." she exclaimed, reaching out to him, catching his attention once more.  
He looked to her, not hiding his emotions, his fear written all over his face. He knew she was dying and there was nothing he could do to stave it off.

She'd be gone but at least, unlike her time line, he would still have his Elizabeth. That was what mattered and she hoped he could see that. That she would leave this world in peace.

Her speech slowed down, lips dragging just as her eyelids drooped. Wanting to say what she'd planned to, to get him to see it.  
"All... good... things..."  
But she found herself drifting off, unable to complete the sentence.

He watched her sleeping form and he finished off softly instead of her.  
"...take time."

He scrunched up the note, placing it in his pocket before he walked across to a spare med bed, heaving himself up onto it, ready to sleep. Only wishing everything would be as clear when he woke up as it had been for her.

* * *

A/N: AU Rodney's thoughts coing sometime soon.  



	4. Just Another Feeling

Authors Note: This hasn't been beta-read so I apologize if it has grammar/spelling errors in or if the characters sound a bit off. Please let me know what you think of this, complaints, suggestions; any feedback would be helpful as long as it is constructive.

Spoilers: For Season One "Before I Sleep". This is a tag for the episode – the final in quad of them. What can I say but that this is my favourite episode and tags for this accumulate (had five or six bunnies for it!) and it's not everyday you can get in 4 different PoV's for 2 characters. Anyway this one is from AT Rodney's perspective.

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Stargate in any incarnations of course and I'm not making any money, this is just some harmless fanfic fun.

* * *

**Just Another Feeling

* * *

**

The doors are locked  
The waters rising

I'm standing here, overlooking the gate room. The water rushing in makes it a bit like a balcony.  
I struggle with my datapad, desperately trying every combination that might make sense.  
Trouble is I don't know whats what and so it's pretty much pure luck. I wish I could do better, the people in the ships deserve better. Everyone here deserved better, even me.

I think of what I should have done, passing thoughts between what I'm meant to be doing.

They're like idle thoughts, on a Sunday. But I'm dying here, going to, whatever. I concentrate on the schematics. There has to be one here, the Ancients had to have a way out. It's probably so amazingly obvious. If I had time I'm sure I could work it out but we have a deadline, don't we?

There's no way out  
The waters rising

The lights go out, plunging us into darkness. The water laps at my feet and I can hear the scream coming from rooms nearby, hands banging on the bulkheads desperate for survival. I swallow anxiously, realising that's going to be me soon.

And I crawl up high as I can get because no one just gives in to death like that.  
I know I'm doomed but I can't stand there while the water creep around me.  
I wanted to live, wanted to explore the city.  
I wanted to save myself and to give them a chance.  
I wanted everyone to be fine, to make it better.

So I wonder who else made it to the ship bay, concentrating on the positive, on who else might survive if their luck holds.

Elizabeth's there. It doesn't make me feel much happier really but there's some justice that she's alright. I'd laugh if I could, she actually cared, demanded I got up to the bay.  
We both knew I probably wouldn't get there and it's better this way. I have more important things to do than that.

She practically ordered me to find a way there even after the city shut us in. I'm not sure why she ever bothered with me but I like her, she had zest under all her well meaning diplomacy.Liked her I correct myself. She's just one of those people who makes an effort despite anything you do, who defies you to prove her right and thinks the best of everyone. She probably would have been good as a leader.  
But now we'll never know, or at least I won't.

Maybe she'll survive.  
And Sheppard, if he can fly as well as he says he can. Hope to God that cocky grin has the talent to go with it.  
They're with the Czech too -Zelemka, Salenka? But then it's not like names matter right now. All I know is he's good, almost as good as me. They're lucky to have him.  
Maybe they'll be ok.  
Maybe.

The rooms three quarters flooded, it's up to console I'm standing on, some of the equipment floating round it. Not much longer left at this rate. A few minutes maybe before I'm dead. Peter's treading water already, he refused to get up here. Maybe his way would be better. There's no changing what's happening. We _are_ going to die I remind myself.

It's hard to believe though, surreal, almost as if at any moment salvation will come. How could the Ancients let this be? Let Atlantis succumb to the ocean as surely as we all are right now. There should have been something to stop this. Should have been, too many of those along with the what ifs and maybes. I'm not making sense anymore. If I was talking I'd be rambling I'm sure.

I want to say something, one last thing to them. I can't retract the bay door but surely the ships would have a way to? This can't be the end, not for them.  
I want to say something, just not goodbye. Only what else can I say?

What do I want to say?  
All that's left now is that they might live, however many are in there, because something needs to come out of this.  
The city's gone and it's our fault. Most of the of the good people gone too. And what for?

Again I'm envious of them all - sitting tight in their ships. Wishing I had the gene, that I was the one of them up there. Maybe if I'd gone into military, maybe if I was a pilot...  
But then maybe this would never be and would that be such a bad thing?  
Only I can't shake the feeling that it would be, that we were meant to come here, had to come here.  
Just that this isn't how it was meant to be.

I'm sinking suddenly, as the the waters surround me rapidly. It's so cold and I'm lost. Slipped off the console, hitting the water with a splash but the water filling in the difference so quickly.

I don't want to open my eyes.  
I don't want to see what's happening anymore. Feeling it is bad enough.  
I can't die.  
I don't want to die.  
Why is this happening?  
I _know_ why, the power depleted, the shield failed but I never dreamed we'd find Atlantis and then this...

Now I'm holding my breath. Brain starved of oxygen. Five minutes, isn't it, before your brain cells start to die?  
I want it to be over and at the same time I don't. There' still hope where there should be none.  
It's not even like I'm a terribly hopeful person by any means. It doesn't make sense but it's probably just the beginnings of the hypoxia, that and the fact I don't want this to be the end.  
But who does?  
After all nothing saved the others. I can stil hear muffled noises through the water but they sound more like they're coming from above now.

There's no getting out of this one

What did I expect?  
Travel to another galaxy, mission of a lifetime - the tag line practically reads mission of your lifetime, as in end of.  
We're screwed beyond comprehension, and why did I think this could work?  
Oh yeah, that instinct that said this was worthwhile, this what you've been waiting for whether you know it or not.  
This isn't what I signed up for, this isn't how it was supposed to go.

The waters rising...

There's no air. I know there's no air but I'm trying anyway to reach a surface that doesn't exist. A last ditch attempt even though it's futile and I'm too weak to do anything.

Finally I give in - wishing that my mouth could breath glorious air. Instead I choke on water. Salty and cold, chilling me to the bone. My lungs spasm, rejecting it; but there's no where for it to go.

I wonder where I will go.  
Is God really all that forgiving as some people say he is?  
Not that God's a he or an it or...  
But will he? Would he?  
Or is it just emptiness, with nothing else.  
The last feeling of bliss my dying body's strangled cry at it's demise.

I wonder why they say drowning elicits euphoria?  
I wonder how they know?  
And then I wonder no more.


End file.
